Well, it's that time of the TV viewing season again... time for a new Survivor.
Did you watch the premier of the new series? I did. I'm not addicted, but I'm definitely interested enough to flick it on once or twice during the series and hunker down with some popcorn for the finale.
It's made me think, though. Even though a big part of the show is getting clean water and fire surviving the elements - the bigger part of the show is the forming of relationships in a game where your game tokens are trust, lies and self-centered gain.
It's all about relationships and alliances and choosing who you will support.
It's kind of cheesy, but I think that surviving relationships in our own world at home can be as tricky as surviving the Shaba national Reserve in Kenya. All kinds of relationships, friends, family, but mostly dating relationships... That's a whole 'nother game, where nobody tells you the rules until you're already playing.
In this "Relationship Survivor" game, you are not assigned to the Boran Tribe or the Samburu Tribe. You are born into a tribe guys or girls and you have no choice about that.
The age that kids are becoming aware of the game is younger and younger and younger. Many kids have seen their separated parents play the dating game -- a concept that just didn't exist 50 years ago.
It's made this generation savvy to the nuances and pitfalls of the game.
In his book, The Bridger Generation, according to Thom S. Rainer, a researcher in demographic trends, more than the generation before you, your generation has concerns about the stability and hope of the family you will form and raise. The majority of your generation does not believe they will have an intact and "good" family when they reach adulthood. This is combined with a strong desire for a good home life.
In other words, you have the will to survive, but not the confidence that your relationships can be strong and longlasting. This confidence has been denied you as you have experienced the devastating effects of the broken relationships in your parents' lives. You know the stats - more than half of you who read this can visualize a specific incident of brokeness in your life or the lives of the people you love. You've lived it.
In a very real way, you have been dropped into "an African grasslands" of relationships and left to fend for yourselves with very little help from the people around you. How will you survive? Will you survive? When the game is over in 50 or 60 years, will you have an intact relationship with the person you chose as your lifelong teammate?
As we watch the upcoming episodes of Survivor Africa, we will begin to see people developing strategies so that they can avoid being voted out of the sahara. Individuals are pitting themselves against each other, trying to get the upperhand. Full of desire to win yet distrusting the others, they try desperately to work as a team.
"Relationship Survivor" can be like this. I'll never forget the summer I worked with my best friend in a resort up in the Canadian Rockies. We were making good money, friends and having a great time. Just when I let my guard down, my friend accused me of stealing her friend (a guy) and trying to stop her from having a dating relationship. Right out of left field.
So how will you build and survive relationships long term? Just like the individuals in Africa, you'll have to come up with a winning strategy. You'll need to win the immunity challenges. You'll need alliances. Unlike the teams in Africa, in "Relationship Survivor", one person can't win alone.
You have to win in groups of two.
Form your own (winning) strategy:
What will your strategy be? I think the Australian Survivor and now the African Survivor participants learned a lot from watching the very first Survivor series. They had a definite advantage in this way as they knew what to expect in the game.
You have that same advantage. You can watch the people who went before you in the last series of "Relationship Survivor" your mom, your dad, your grandparents, aunts, uncles.
In a very deliberate formation of your own strategy, write down your summaries of their strategies. Assess how well they worked towards the goal of a long-term relationship.Which people's strategies worked? Which have failed?
Do you know any adults who have the type of long-term relationship that you would like for yourself? Take the initiative to spend time with them. Observe them. Ask them questions. Assess their strategy.
What are the differences between strategies? Write down your own strategy. Show it to someone you trust do they have anything to add? Any red flags?
Go for immunity:
On Survivor, the contestants have "immunity challenges". If they win the challenge, they cannot be voted out during the next tribal council. They are guaranteed their spot in the game for one more round at least.
What about in real life? What are the games that are set up for us that will get us immunity from being voted out of "Relationship Survivor"?
Just like in the Shaba National Reserve in the middle of Kenya, it is harder to accept the immunity challenge than it is to do nothing. Real life immunity challenges come in the form of carefully guarding your heart and your sexuality.
People who cherish their "person" and their sexuality are more likely to have long-lasting relationships. This is a far harder challenge than pushing some wheelbarrow of fire across a sandy desert. The game can happen unexpectedly: at a bar, a wedding, after your Chem lab -- the signals are crystal clear and you have an opportunity to give yourself sexually or intimately (the speaking out of who you are) in a relationship that has no foundation and an unknown future. Will you do it? Will you risk your immunity for what could possibly be short-lived and painful?
It makes sense to us that if the Samburu or Boran Tribes decided to get drunk before they did the immunity challenge, there would be no chance of winning the game. It's not a far stretch to say the same is true for you.
The less often you are drunk, the higher your chance of winning a real life immunity challenge.
Form alliances:
In the first part of Survivor, we will watch as individuals try to discover who is "trustworthy enough" to be an ally. Without alliances, no person has ever won the million dollar prize. Who will be your allies? Will you find one person and stick with them even if they double-cross you? Will you withdraw from this part of the game and just fend for yourself?
A critical alliance in the "Relationship Survivor" game is the alliance with the person you are dating.
Before you start dating, take the time to write a wish list of what kind of person you would like to date. Categorize each entry by: essential, ideal and bonus:
- Essentials may revolve around ethnic background, religious beliefs, citizenship, age, athletic interests, personality type...
- Ideal may center around education, potential earnings, family relationships, height…
- Bonus could be hair color, model of car… Follow your strategy.
Don't just date for the sake of dating. Know who it is that you are looking for and anticipate the day when you meet that person.
Keep your eyes wide OPEN.
Another alliance is with friends that you can trust. What do they think of the person you are dating? Will they voice their concerns if they have them? Can you share your strategy with them? Will they help you to evaluate your dating relationships based on your "wish list"? Do you have friends who care deeply about you or are they just people who you party with / study with / play sports with? Take a risk and initiate conversations around you that will bring your friendships to deeper and more trustworthy levels.
And finally, form an alliance with God. Even though the Bible is an ancient book, the words have relevance for today. It talks about God wanting an alliance with you -- a relationship where you can talk with Him and listen to His guidance. He is a source of strength when you feel weak. A place to rest when you are tired. A guide when you don't know what to do. You're not alone in this "Relationship Survivor" game.
As you head out into "Relationship Survivor" land, I hope that you have the determination to win the prize which is worth so much more to a person's life than a million dollars or an ugly Aztec. The prize is a lifelong partner with whom to share your passions, your fears, your aspirations, your career, your children, your grandchildren, your free time, your spirit, your body and your soul.
Sharon is the web-designer for this university-oriented website. She challenges herself by playing Go-Fish online against small children around the globe. Copyright 2003 iamnext.com. May not be used without permission.
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