A Woman's Heart
Shannon:
I think we underestimate the depth of a female's emotions and her desires for an intimate and committed love. I read once that 'women give sex for love, and men give love for sex.' If this is true, then sex alone does not guarantee that a woman’s need for love will be met when a man's sex drive is satisfied. That being the case, it is evident that sex cannot hold a relationship together and the woman's needs may not be met. It often goes like this for women. First you hear a man tell you he loves you and your heart flutters at his words. So you increase your level of emotional vulnerability through physical foreplay, and then finally mistake his accelerated satisfaction for good reason to give your body over to him through sex.
The problem that we often don't foresee before allowing physical intimacy is that without establishing a commitment with your partner he has the freedom to 'play around' with the girl next door when he is no longer satisfied by you. "My guy won’t do that," you tell yourself. Be honest, deep inside you are insecure and fearful of that possibility.
Don't believe the lie that you will be unscathed emotionally by what you do physically.
Unlike men, we can't easily turn off our emotions and feelings during the physical act. As a result, women can easily feel used and heartbroken when their emotional needs are found wanting after the physical act. This cuts deeper than a wound to the heart - it goes straight to the soul. Often this emotional pain causes a woman's self-esteem to plummet and she starts feeling unattractive. As a response to these negative feelings and fear of losing her man, a woman may start believing she's only worth what she can give sexually. She may start to use her sex appeal to attract and keep a man by her side.
Why have women become more explicit sexually? Women believe that in displaying or giving over our bodies, we will capture a man's commitment and receive what we actually crave, which is security and intimacy. This longing for love is innate in us; it is part of a woman’s emotional and sexual design. This explains the feelings of desperation and dependency on a man many women describe feeling after being sexually intimate. This insecurity might be caused by the fear of being abandoned by her partner. The only way to combat that insecurity and protect a woman’s emotions is to follow the design that sex is best experienced only in a commitment established by a marriage.
Society is confused about the true meaning of intimacy. On the surface, sex seems to be the path to intimacy, but intimacy is increased through the sexual act, not started by it.
The Danger of Promiscuity
Jason:
If a woman who is looking for a truly deep and satisfying relationship becomes more promiscuous (trying to attract men by her physical beauty or behavior), this can actually prevent her from getting what she really desires (which is to be loved for who she is). Women possess the power to stimulate a man's hormones, and cause them to be very attracted at a physical level. However, if that is the only kind of connection developing between a man and woman, the man is unlikely to look for anything deeper than that. On the other hand, a woman may hope that once she has a man's attention through sexual intimacy, they will learn to communicate, be able to develop a strong friendship, and develop a closer emotional connection. However, if the relationship doesn't have a strong friendship and physical intimacy just builds, it is unlikely that the other deep and sustainable connections will happen.
Also, men can view getting as far as they can physically with women as a kind of challenge. If a woman gives herself easily to a man, the 'challenge' is over. Once the intrigue is gone, the man may have less cause to stick with that woman. This is especially true when a woman's promiscuous actions spark the relationship, as her intentions will most likely demonstrate to the man that her intentions are only for physical pleasure.
What a Man's Loses When He Uses a Woman
For guys, it might appear that they can get away with having sex with whomever they want more easily than women can. The type of hurt experienced in women due to premarital sex doesn't affect guys in quite the same way. This is probably because we can disconnect ourselves emotionally from the woman which we are having sex with, and pay more attention to the act of sex itself. This is very difficult to do for a woman as it is such a personal act. However, there are several good reasons why, from a man's perspective, it is much better to save sex for marriage.
First of all, at a biological level, a man may feel that sex will meet his 'needs,' but there are deeper desires he possesses that will never be met through sex. These other desires, like the biological desires, are undeniably built into a man's being. For his confidence and ego he needs support, respect, encouragement, and affirmation. He also needs real meaning in life and significance, perhaps even more than sexual fulfillment. The existence of these needs are evidenced by a man's pursuit for a successful career, exciting possessions, fame in sports, and his nature to want to be the 'best' and most significant in what he does.
If a man depends on sex to grant him that deep need for greater worth, sex will be disappointing at best as sexual intercourse can only satisfy him partially and momentarily.
The woman can help meet a man's other needs, but when the relationship becomes primarily about sexual satisfaction, these 'other' needs and desires will most likely take the back burner despite their importance to a man.
In fact, the other aspects of the relationship like good communication, self-sacrificing love, and the ability to serve and help each other will most likely not develop anymore due to the relationship's focus on sex. And, it is these aspects of a relationship that will actually contribute to meeting his deeper needs, which a man cannot ignore.
Secondly, the hurt that a woman feels when she becomes vulnerable enough to have sex and then is abandoned by a man should be a good reason for a man to wait. As Shannon explained, women have a need for protection and security, especially as they make themselves vulnerable. A man using a woman for sex is very selfish. He doesn't take into account the woman's needs at all. As I said earlier, part of the reason I am choosing to wait has to do with love. Because I care about Shannon, I want to protect her heart. Having sex with a girl without having made a lifelong commitment to her (as in marriage) is using her. It's like taking something that doesn't belong to you yet. Although it's common for a guy to want to get the most physical satisfaction from a woman that he can, as soon as he can, this will actually cause him to miss out on the best and most lasting satisfaction for her and himself.
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