Q & A hard to wait | i don't want to disappoint my partner
Question: Isn't it hard to wait? Are sexual desires bad?
Answer:
Yes it is hard not to have sex before you are married, but it can probably be easier than you are making it. Sexual tension does naturally reside in a good relationship. Boundaries are hard to keep. The opposite sex is desirable.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now and I would be lying to say that sexual tension is not part of our relationship. We have struggled with setting boundaries and keeping them. It takes guts to be honest with your desires for each other, to potentially disappoint your partner by refusing 'in heated moments' to go any further. But the point becomes not, "how far can we go without 'doing the deed,'" but, "what precautions can we take such that we never get into a compromising position."
You have control over how hard or easy it will be to wait for sex. Boundaries are not about how far you can push it, rather boundaries help to keep your heart attitude in check. If you consistently justify your actions in order to satisfy your partner's expectations and find yourself in more heated and intimate moments, gradually, it will be harder to resist temptation. Playing with sex is not a game – it's true that "those who play with fire get burned."
If your heart is committed to abstain from sex you 'just don’t go there.'
Another important thing to do is to stay alert or "keep on your toes" by constantly reaffirming the reasons for setting your boundaries. Your conviction to save sex till marriage will solidify once you get a picture of your relationship's future happiness if you wait. Remember, the delay of present gratification does not mean the denial of future gratification.
But, before you think that this advice is impossible and requires superhuman self control, realize that this control and focus is not possible without help from God. Making commitments to each other, setting all the right boundaries, and even developing a healthy understanding of the consequences are potentially not enough. Accountability with others and God himself, as well His supernatural intervention, is imperative. When you are honest and reveal your true nature to God (admitting that you are incapable of keeping boundaries), God will help guide and protect your relationship from temptation.
As sexual beings we desire to be fully known by someone that we love. Our sexual desires are natural and should not be considered 'bad.' How you respond to those desires is what matters. Until you are ready to say 'I do,' you are not ready for the vulnerable, soul-bonding experience of sex. God designed the intimacy of sex to be fully and completely satisfying once a marriage covenant has first been established. At any other time, fulfilling your sexual desires will not be satisfying like it was designed to be in marriage. It is not worth the risk.
Question: How do I say no without disappointing my partner?
Answer:
It may seem stressful to bring up the topic of sex with your partner and to explain your desire to wait - especially if you've already slept together. But if you decide to make this decision and are ready to approach your partner, you do not need to fear telling them how you feel because it is a win-win situation for you. Whether your partner disagrees or agrees with your decision, his/her intentions and motives towards you will become clear by their response. Here are a few scenarios.
1. If your partner agrees with you, it will be evident that he/she cares more about you and your relationship than the physical satisfaction you bring him/her. If he/she responds this way, it shows that his/her love for you will be true. His/her respect for your wishes shows the qualities of patience and selflessness, which are essential to love. With this new found respect, expect that your depth of intimacy will grow in new and exciting ways as you move forward with new boundaries. You will probably find that reducing the pressure of having to be physical will allow you to learn more about each other and deepen your communication. Developing these areas of your relationship will show to you whether this relationship has the potential for a lifelong relationship. Although it will be tough to resist having sex, if you are both completely committed, it will be exciting to learn more about each other and discover new ways to enjoy each other's company and friendship.
2. If your partner disagrees with you, it could be for reasons of fear, selfishness, or stubbornness. Any of those reasons display his/her intentions. You might find that he/she is only in the relationship for the physical aspect. Although, I suggest giving them time to think about it because their initial reaction might be more of shock than disagreement. If they use the excuse that they are afraid of losing you and try to convince you that your relationship will not last if you withdraw sexually, then sex has become the basis of your relationship. Their position over you at this point is potentially dangerous.
It is dangerous for you if your partner is pressuring you to sleep with him/her, is manipulating you to feel guilty about your convictions, or is even acting hurt or disappointed at your decision.
These reactions are wrong because he/she should value your convictions! So, if it is for selfishness that your partner refuses to wait or abstain, then their love for you is not really love. Why? Love is something that is patient and selfless, looking out for the other person's interests above their own.
If this person is not willing to wait for you or to value your relationship more than the sex, you have to make a choice: you can either stay with someone who obviously selfishly desires their needs to be met above yours and only wants to use you for his/her personal satisfaction, or you can leave this relationship and wait for someone who will love being with you for who you are, not your body.
If your partner disagrees with you and your relationship has to end because of this issue, it will be a painful loss, especially if you felt that his/her love for you was true. But getting over this loss will be much easier than losing the relationship after you’ve already given yourself sexually to him/her. In that situation you've lost a relationship and unnecessarily given your body to someone who did not value the gift.
As painful as it will be, it will be better to break away from this person who never intended to truly love you before you succumb to their pressure to have sex. Remember, the hurt and disappointment is only temporary.
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