Q&A we're in love | we're engaged
Question: But we're in love!
Answer:
This is a common response that first of all needs some mutual definitions and understanding. What is love? One type of love is the fuzzy feelings, the attraction, the chemistry, the sexual arousal, and the excitement of being with someone. But, by itself, it is not enough to make a relationship last. Love is as multidimensional as people are multi-dimensional. We as humans have spiritual, emotional, social, sexual, and physical dimensions to who we are. Love would seem shallow if it only satisfied one or two areas of who we are. The type of love that satisfies all of these areas of a person, is love based on a commitment. This type of love has the capacity to encompass all of these areas of a person, making them completely secure in their partner's love. This committed love is unconditional and unbending, meaning that no matter what changes in a person, you still love them. It means 'in sickness and in health,' and is a commitment to choose to love despite whatever happens in life.
Ultimately, if this is the kind of love you are referring to – that strong desire to be with someone and the warm fuzzies involved – unfortunately, this love is still devoid of a commitment. This person may be unlike anyone you've ever dated, they may bring you much joy but until you can say to that person that you will stand by his/her side no matter what, it is still a one-dimensional love. Romantic love is not strong enough to hold your relationship together. Once the excitement of sex no longer satisfies, what will hold you together?
The bottom line: you need to have a committed love to experience the full joy and thrill of sex. So, just because you are 'in love' or have great affection for someone does not mean that those feelings are a good foundation for sexual intimacy. If you truly believe you love this person, and it’s not based on the 'warm fuzzies,' you may just be in love. But, until your love is demonstrated in action through a marriage commitment, this affection still is not a strong foundation to rest a sexual relationship upon. The reason is that the other dimensions necessary for a working relationship should not take the backbench to sex. Once you add the physical aspect to your relationship it is very easy, if you do not have a solid foundation to the relationship, to make sexual gratification the focus. Your tendency could be to neglect other aspects of your relationship and use sex to fix any problems with the relationship. Sex is a poor solution to solving other relationship issues such as communication. No amount of sex will solve interpersonal issues.
So what type of love is truly love? Take a look at what Shakespeare says love in Sonnet CXVI:
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds
Or bends with the remover to remove . .
It is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken…
Love's not Time's fool . . .
Love alters not within each hour or week
But bears it out, even until the edge of doom.
True love lasts because it is an unconditional commitment. Love is not an 'if only' clause, such as: 'if only we are happy, then I’ll love you.' Love sticks out all that life can throw at it.
But, the reality is, we are incapable of giving that kind of love. If we are to expect it from our partner knowing full well we cannot give it ourselves, we will continually be disappointed if we expect him/her to give us that sort of love. We are all flawed and are incapable of providing the perfect love needed to make a relationship last for a lifetime. God alone can provide that love for us to give our partners. Unless we tap into Him as our source of true love, we will be unable to give and receive that type of love with anyone else.
Question: What if we are engaged and plan on being married anyways?
Answer:
This seems like a good argument, why wait if you know this person is 'the one' anyways? There are still a lot of problems associated with this line of thinking. First, if you have abstained from having sex up until this point of engagement, failing to keep what you had already been committed to keeping will lead you to guilt and dissatisfaction in the future. The woman may lose her trust in the man and he may lose his respect for the woman if they blame each other for his/her lack of self control. And, if you have already slept together in the past, what is there to look forward to on your wedding night? Similarly, if you give in to temptation before you are married, you might be inclined to compare sex in marriage to pre-marital sex. Although sex before marriage may seem more exciting or passionate because it's like partaking of a 'forbidden fruit,' starting your marriage this way could damage your sexual relationship in marriage.
It's been said that when sex in marriage is great, it consumes 20% of the relationship's focus. But when it goes bad, sex becomes 80% of what the relationship focuses on. Why start your marriage off poorly? Like any sort of gratification that is delayed, it is always better because of the delay. A loss of intensity of feelings due to premarital sex can result in poor sexual satisfaction in marriage if you don't wait or look forward to sex with each other as a new, 'in marriage' experience.
Second, due to the damage caused by premarital sex, bearing the hurt and guilt of making this mistake might give you second thoughts about marriage and you might have to break off your engagement. Not only will you have hurt your future marriage relationship for one sexual experience, but you will also have jeopardized a wonderful relationship with someone you deeply love.
Third, a certain pressure results, especially for women, to marry the first man they sleep with. If a woman marries the first man she has sex with, she could be settling for less than the best for her. She might not realize her regret until it is too late because she may feel obligated to marry him.
Last, the public declaration of your commitment is consummated by the physical reward of sex. Sex is the private consummation of a public commitment. Marriage vows add depth and meaning to the sexual experience and take your relationship to a whole new level. You have the power to experience a meaningful and rewarding sexual experience by waiting until you say, 'I do.'
Everything is a choice. Why start your sexual experience together off poorly and put at stake a lifetime of sexual satisfaction?
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