Q & A are we sexually compatible? | sex in marriage
Question: If you don't have sex before marriage, how will you know if you're sexually compatible?
Answer:
This is a tough question, as I have never experienced sex. Yet, let me pose a counter question: what is harder, getting better at physical intimacy or personal intimacy? I think sometimes people just have sex instead of facing the difficulties in their relationship and effectively communicating their feelings. After all, sometimes sharing your intimate thoughts and feelings take more courage than sharing your body. Sex does not solve (well, perhaps temporarily) deeper intimacy issues. I would argue that sexual involvement covers up problems that don't surface until the romance fades. Once the romantic excitement is over, what you're left with is someone you don’t really know. Sometimes it could be that the relationship is about to end so sex is used to try and reconnect two people together. But, this reconnection is only physical and temporary. It will not change the lack of interpersonal connection but instead just cover it up with feelings and desires. Romantic, 'warm fuzzy,' feelings are not a strong foundation for a relationship. Making a decision about a relationship based on sexual compatibility is precarious. What happens when the romance fades?
If you wait to have sex with the one you marry, sexual compatibility won't be an issue because you won't have any previous experience to compare it to. If that foundation of trust and commitment is in place then your sexual relationship can only get better with time.
Some might say that the more partners you have, the more experienced you are sexually and the better sex becomes. Instead, I argue that the more trust, commitment and love you develop for your spouse, the more intimate sex will be.
Finally, it would be ideal to wait to have sex with that one person you are married to for life. This way you both experience something new for the first time together. How special the act will be if you knew that that person loved you enough to wait for you, even before he/she met you!
Another question, what happens if into two years of marriage your spouse has an accident and cannot have sex anymore? If sexual compatibility is your gauge for determining whether your love will last, you need a new gauge. Sex or physical attractiveness should not be the basis of your commitment to marriage: beauty fades and our bodies deteriorate with age. Happy and fulfilling marriages may continue despite traumatic events that disallow sexual interaction. Singularly, sex cannot hold a relationship together as one might think.
Question: What if sex in marriage sucks?
Answer:
We know that men and women's bodies work and fit together, and are meant to be enjoyed by each other by the design of our bodies. So, maybe the sexual act is not the problem if you find that your 'sex sucks.' Sex in marriage will suck if there's an emotional disconnection in your relationship. As with any physical affection, it takes time to adjust to each others' bodies. Sex becomes more enjoyable when you and your partner are communicating effectively and both of you are willing to put your own needs second to your partner's. In giving your partner what he/she desires, you will inevitably have a satisfied partner willing to also give you what you need physically.
This type of communication and 'self-less love' is less likely to be experienced in a dating relationship than in a marriage relationship. Because you do not know how long the dating relationship will last often the focus shifts to 'getting' sexual pleasure rather than giving it. If both people are focusing on 'getting' whose needs will be met?
Although technique may contribute to enjoyable sex, I think satisfying communication and emotional connection is the source of good sex. Thus, a deeply-committed couple in a marriage, who have a healthy relationship outside of bed, will most likely have a healthy relationship in bed. As well, sex itself will not heal any emotional or communication problems in a relationship. Often when there are problems with intimacy in a marriage people may assume that the sexual act is the problem. But, often it may be the communication between partners that is the problem. When you solve those problems, the sex will most likely get better.
Sex in marriage will only suck if you refuse to grow together as a couple outside of the bedroom. Meeting your spouse's needs above your own and working on communicating your needs to each other is the first priority. Since you and your spouse are the players in the sexual act, you are the ones responsible to make sex better!
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