Why is selfishness our natural inclination?
If we lived in a world where people were perfect, then their marriages would hum along in total harmony, just the way God wanted marriage to work in the first place. But we don't live in a perfect world. Quite honestly all of us are affected by our tendency toward selfishness and "sin."
What is sin? We often choose to do the wrong things not the right things. We can be selfish, mean, hurtful, bitter, arrogant, unwilling to forgive, and so on. It's no wonder husbands and wives struggle to get along.
An I-want-my-needs-met attitude in relationships breaks down a necessary spirit of cooperation. The negative cycle begins and continues until intimacy is lost and a marriage begins to crumble.
Let's face it, we all need help--some inner strength that enables us to love another person the way we must if a marriage is going to have a chance.
Our selfish, sinful behavior not only separates a husband and a wife, but it also separates us from God--our greatest source of help. As the Originator and Designer of marriage, He knows how relationships work. He wants us to first have a relationship with Him, and then look to Him for direction.
Not only does God help us with problems and challenges we face on a daily basis, but He also offers healing for scars and wounds we have collected from the past. For instance, He provides complete forgiveness and cleansing from wrong choices we may have made as teenagers in a relationship with the opposite sex. God loves us and wants us to enjoy the benefits of being His child, which include His help in our marriage.
I would like to illustrate this with two scenarios involving a typical husband and wife. In the first example, our couple (I'll call them Jon and Lisa) do not acknowledge any dynamic involvement of God in their lives. In Scenario B, Jon and Lisa have more than a relationship with each other, they also have a relationship with Jesus Christ.
Scenario A:
It's Saturday morning and Jon wants to play golf with his buddies. He rolls out of bed and tells Lisa that he's leaving and won't be back until about 4 p.m. Lisa complains, "You promised we could go on a picnic today!"
"I never said that," Jon says, his voice on edge. "Anyway, I haven't played golf in two weeks. It's a beautiful day. I'm out of here." Jon slams the door on the way out.
Lisa feels snubbed and after shedding some tears, she stomps angrily through the apartment and throws the pillows on the couch across the room.
"I'll show you, Jerk," she yells. She calls a girlfriend and makes a date to go out for lunch and some shopping. At the mall Lisa buys $300 worth of new clothes--she needed a new outfit, but by buying a few "extra" things she knows Jon will hit the roof.
Their credit card is now nearly maxed out.
Meanwhile, Jon is finishing his golf round. He stops with his buddies for a drink at the golf club bar. One drink soon leads to two. Jon notices how attractive the waitress is. As the young woman is giving Jon his third drink, he whispers a flattering remark in her ear. The woman acts insulted, but her smile indicates that Jon has scored some points. The next time she returns, he notices her phone number on the napkin placed under his drink. Jon tucks the paper in his pocket.
Jon arrives home at 5 p.m., walking with a bit of a wobble. Lisa is watching TV with the volume turned high. He notices a pile of packages on the couch. Angrily he switches off the TV and points at the packages. Lisa swears at him and walks to the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. They argue far into the night. Jon ends up sleeping in the guest bedroom.
Scenario B:
It's Saturday morning and Jon wants to play golf with his buddies. He rolls out of bed and tells Lisa that he's leaving and won't be back until about 4 p.m. Lisa acts surprised and says, "I thought we were going on a picnic today!"
"Oh, can't we do that tomorrow?" Jon says, his voice on edge. "Anyway, I haven't played golf in two weeks. It's such a beautiful day. I'm out of here!" Jon shuts the door hard on the way out.
Lisa feels snubbed and after shedding some tears, she stomps angrily through the apartment and throws the pillows on the couch across the room.
"You jerk!" she yells, wishing she could tell Jon to his face just how angry she feels.
Lisa decides to go for a walk, and by the time she passes through a park, her hurt and anger are subsiding. On her way back home she's able to pray, "Dear Jesus, I'm really mad at Jon and think he's being selfish. Please help me not to be selfish, too, and let my anger get out of control."
Lisa decides to call a girlfriend and they make a date for an early lunch and some shopping. While at the mall, Lisa buys a new outfit.
Meanwhile, Jon is finishing the front nine of his golf round. He and his buddies stop for a sandwich and drink at the club snack bar. Jon notices how pretty the girl behind the counter is, but he just gives her a friendly smile and walks to join his friends.
Earlier this morning Jon had thought Lisa was pretty whiney and clutching on to him--unfairly wanting to keep him from a good time with his buddies. But now Jon feels guilty for how he treated her. He's not enjoying himself.
"Hey guys," Jon announces, "I'm going to quit for today and go home. I need to spend some time with Lisa." Two of his friends tease him, but Jon sticks with his decision.
When Lisa gets home at 1 p.m., she's surprised to find Jon sitting at the kitchen table. She notices the picnic basket is out and half-filled with food and drinks.
"Why are you home so early?" she asks, the hurt still evident in her voice.
"I'm sorry for the way I acted this morning," Jon says. "I wanted to play golf and didn't care about your needs. I guess I was being kind of selfish. Will you forgive me?"
Lisa bites her lip. She's still hurt, but Jon looks like he's really sorry. And it's pretty incredible that he quit his golf round early.
"Yes, I forgive you," Lisa says quietly.
As they hug, Jon says, "Could we kind of start this day over? I came home early thinking we might still have time for that picnic? Do you want to go?"
Lisa resists the temptation to pout and make Jon "pay." Instead she smiles and nods her head.
The day turns around for both Jon and Lisa. The anger has been cleansed from both of them. Their relationship feels as fresh as the earth after a spring shower. In both of their lives Jesus has been at work, first showing them how to live and then giving them the strength to deny themselves and forgive--two actions essential to love but very difficult to do consistently and authentically without help.
Of course these two scenarios offer just a surface view of a complicated interpersonal situation, but they do illustrate why God's involvement individually in the lives of a husband, wife, and their marriage makes such a difference. The Christian faith is not simply a collection of principles and rules--it's a living, moment-to-moment interaction with God through which we receive guidance and power to live life the way it was designed to be lived.
Continue to page 3 >> What kind of guidance does God give regarding marriage? 1.2.3
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