Lousy Sex Tip #5:
Don't Commit to Anything
Committing yourself to a relationship is similar to begging for a complicated life. Commitment takes work and sacrifice. You can really get to know the person to whom you are committed. Since that person is committed to you, fear and insecurity, especially about sex, become less a part of the relationship.
A few years ago I started dating "Megan." We got serious very quickly, even though we never really talked about our feelings for each other. We started haphazardly planning a wedding and a future together. I know now that its supposed to be the other way around. First comes love and commitment, then comes the wedding plans.
Eventually I did tell Megan that I loved her. But our relationship soon fell apart and we broke up a couple weeks later. I had mistakenly believed that if I said, "I love you" then a commitment would follow. There really was no commitment on my part to follow through on what I said.
Though both of us were very hurt, we maintained a friendship and kept in contact. About two years later, we were having lunch, and she said something that surprised me, "I think one of the reasons we're still friends is that we were never physically involved." I think that's a wise insight on her part. Today Megan is married to a great guy who has since become my friend as well.
Finding satisfaction in sex unfortunately takes commitment. Many people have concluded that the best sex is enjoyed in a committed relationship with one person.
Look at what one therapist said: "Based on my fifteen years as a practicing Masters and Johnson-trained therapist, I have put together a book which . . . has a revolutionary premise of its own: that lifelong committed sex [with one person] has the potential to be more thrilling, more varied, more satisfying in every way than any other sexual arrangement you can think of."
A totally committed relationship between two people equals the best sex. That sounds like marriage. It is marriage. Just recently, an extensive survey was done to find out which couples enjoy the best and most satisfying sex. The answer? Married couples committed to monogamous sex with each other.
I believe in marriage. That's one reason why I have a lousy sex life--or more accurately stated . . . no sex life. I'm waiting for someone I can love and commit to. I'm waiting because of what I've learned from one of the most opular sex manuals ever written--the Bible. I've learned that it is God's desire for me to wait for sex until I'm in a committed, marriage relationship. It is in that quality of relationship that I'll experience the safety and intimacy needed for a good sex life. I'll say more about this later.
Maybe I shouldn't have brought up the whole marriage thing. Commitment doesn't have anything to do with sex. Or does it?
Lousy Sex Tip #6:
Don't Bring Love Into the Relationship
Avoid love if you want to have a lousy sex life. Love is usually thought of as an emotion, equated with feelings. If the sparks are gone, then love is gone supposedly.
Actually, love is a choice. While feelings are certainly important, you choose to love someone even when the emotions aren't there all the time.
Love includes everything that we talked about already. It's communication--seeking to know the other person. Love is a commitment that also respects the other person. It's intimacy--seeking to know and be known by the other person. Love also does not live in ignorance.
When it comes down to it, anyone can have lousy sex. Most people do. Great sex, on the other hand, is the byproduct of the positive side of what we've talked about--a loving, intimate relationship between two people. And the way to ensure this will be part of your life is through the bond of marriage.
There is a quality to love that I believe all of us long for. It's one that goes beyond sex. The love we long for is a deep, unconditional love--to be loved for who we are.
Finish Lousy Sex Tips>> What does God have to do with lousy sex? >>1.2.3.4
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