Lousy Sex Tip #3:
Don't Pursue Intimacy
Intimacy is something to be feared, not embraced. You'll do fine without it. Or will you?
Let's define the term intimacy so we'll both be on the same page when we talk about it. Intimacy refers to communicating our most private or personal thoughts and feelings, a total life sharing. To know someone intimately is to know that person totally.
Dear Abby once asked her female readers this question: "Would you rather have intercourse with the man you love, or sit on a couch and have a meaningful conversation with him?" More than 80 percent of her respondents said they would prefer the meaningful conversation. Intimacy without sex? What do these women know that most of us don't adhere to?
Intimacy is scary. I have a natural tendency to shy away from it. And you're probably afraid of it too. There is this tension within us--we want others to know who we really are, and at the same time we are afraid to let others know who we really are. That's a problem.
Intimacy with another person also carries the fear of rejection and the subsequent pain when we are rejected. Like a friend told me once, "The No. 1 reason we fear rejection is that it's happened to us before. And we remember what it feels like."
And who wants to risk rejection? A person's got to be crazy to try it! But then again, maybe intimacy would be great for enjoying sex. Maybe there's something to enjoying sex in an intimate committed relationship. Then there wouldn't be the fear of performance because of the commitment between the partners. The insecurity would lessen because there wouldn't be the threat of rejection.
When I was in college, I heard this speaker say, "Sex isn't what you really want. What you really want is intimacy." And I sat there thinking, Well, no, sex is what I really want. It's the intimacy part I can live without. At the time, I believed I knew myself better than this guy did. I see now that there is some truth to what he said. Sex is not intended to be a substitute for intimacy.
Sharing my whole life with a person. Intimacy demands that. Intimacy is another thing to keep away from if you want lousy sex.
Lousy Sex Tip #4:
Don't Worry About the Risks
Here's that communication thing again. Maybe my partner would rather not know about the risks. Maybe my partner would rather not know about my past sex life. Besides, wouldn't it be an invasion of privacy to talk about past sexual experiences with my partner?
But then again, there is a high risk of contracting something, especially since 75 percent of high school students have already had sex. And 20 percent of those have had at least four partners already. Imagine what it's like now that many of these students are in college. The risks of disease increase with the number of partners.
It's hard to deny the facts. They are more than statistics. They are people. Some of them are students. Consider that:
- 1 in 4 new HIV infections in the United States are estimated to occur among people under the age of 21.
- According to the Center for Disease Control, about 12 million cases of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are reported in the United States each year.
- Roughly two-thirds of those 12 million cases are reported in individuals under the age of 25. Many of these young people will suffer long-term consequences as a result.
And, don't believe everything someone tells you:
- 34 percent of men and 10 percent of women have told lies in order to have sex.
- 68 percent of men and 59 percent of women have been involved with more than one person that their current partner doesn't know about.
Just the thought of discussing these potential risks with a partner takes all the spontaneity out of sex. Then again . . ignorance is bliss. It could also permanently damage or kill you. Then you'd really have a lousy sex life.
Continue to page 3>> More lousy sex tips: Looking at love and commitment>> 1.2.3.4
Related reading:
