Why do we get involved in relationships we know are wrong from the beginning?
I've often asked myself this question. On an emotional level, my relationship with Ryan progressed, but on a social level our relationship did not receive support from our family and friends.
Also, I still felt unsettled about certain things in his personality and character. There were some things about Ryan that fundamentally scared me.
Sometimes I didn't feel safe around him. He could be volatile in his actions, ideas and reactions. Unwilling to face this problem, I just rationalized my fears about Ryan. I decided to "put up with it."
I assured myself that one day he would change; I thought maybe I would help him change. I hoped that perhaps in a few years things would be different, circumstances would improve.
I also tried to believe that some of his aggressive behavior did not reflect the person he was inside. He was not a gentlemanly type of guy. Ryan related to people with brutal honesty and sometimes with little sensitivity for courtesy. But at the same time I appreciated his bluntness because few people I meet were so raw and real.
But now I see that Ryan didn't know how to treat me with gentleness. As a result, there were many times Ryan hurt me emotionally. But immature in conflict resolution, I hid my hurt from him. My hidden hurt caused me to become bitter at Ryan.
There were days when I dwelt on the ways he frustrated me. Sometimes it would be an insensitive comment he made or the way he behaved. I would rehash the situation over and over again to see if I had forgotten any minor detail - a gesture, a word, or even a facial expression - that missed my rigorous analysis.
But I delighted in the good things in our relationship, especially the romantic moments. I thought of times when we planned our future together, took long walks, read poetry together and the times he sang to me.
I delighted in the lessons we learned and difficult times we endured together and how our relationship deepened.
But these intense yet seemingly fleeting moments of happiness were overcome by deeper problems in our relationship.
"For one pleasure a thousand pains" - French Proverb
The hardest part of our relationship was hiding it from my parents. Ryan could not understand my need to do this. His inability to understand my sensitive relationship with my parents heightened my anxiety. I cannot express the depth of pain I felt over this issue.
I was torn. I was both afraid of losing him and of losing my parent's trust and support. But at the same time, the illicit nature of our relationship made me feel more attracted to Ryan.
But at times the tension was too great to handle. We came to a breaking point because we knew something was wrong with our relationship but we couldn't give it up.
Then one day Ryan suggested that we stop talking to each other. We agreed that we needed a break from each other. For one month we took a step back from our relationship - we cut off all communication for the purpose of gaining objectivity.
I don't know what we accomplished by putting ourselves through the self-inflicted torture of self-denial because after a month of self-denial, we got back together.
Looking back, our attempt to control our emotions through self-denial showed that neither of us had the courage to say "no" to each other. But foolishly, we continued to follow this pattern of breaking up just to get back together again. This pattern continued three more times over the next three years.
Continue page 4 >> Our final break up>> 1.2.3.4
Copyright 2004 iamnext.com. May not be used without permission.
Related reading:
