"if" clause | loneliness | convenience
The "If" Clause
When trying to understand why so many couples begin living together it comes down to a lack of commitment. Most often people are unsatisfied with their dating relationship so they escalate the stakes by living together. They are afraid of a 'confining' marriage commitment, so they have a 'month-to-month' rent commitment. But, there is an 'if' condition attached to this undefined commitment. They want to be with this person but if they become unhappy, they want the freedom to get out. But this contradicts what our hearts are made for and yearn for. We want lasting relationships.
What is love but an absolute commitment itself? Perhaps I can suggest that uncommitted love is not truly love. We want true love that lasts no matter what difficulties come our way. Marriage establishes necessary boundaries for our own protection. We need to promise ourselves to our spouses publicly before others and on written record so our community of family and friends can keep us accountable to our choice. Without this covenant reminding we would have no reason to experience the true meaning of unconditional love.
Fear of Loneliness
Truthfully, I think it also comes down to this: we don't want to be alone and lonely. So, we decide to live with someone. Perhaps even settle for him/her even though they are not what we completely want in a lover. We don't think we really want to marry them, but we don't want to lose the relationship or time spent in it. If we are honest with ourselves, we refuse lifelong commitment just in case someone better comes along. Perhaps this is the reason many leave a certain living situation to go straight into another living arrangement. Studies indicate that more domestic violence and abuse occur in cohabitating arrangements than any other form of relationship. I think the reason is because we often settle for less than we deserve, perhaps out of fear that this might be as good as it gets.
Finding a true and lasing commitment is worth the wait. We desire and deserve it. But living with someone doesn't offer it. Ironically the choices we make prevent us from having what we truly want.
The Convenience Factor
"Since we are together so much, and since we are both going to school, we might as well cut down our costs and live together."
I have heard this argument plenty of times. What makes this argument so attractive? One of the reasons is that sex is readily available. Many cohabitating couples talk to me about the convenience of regular sexual gratification from living together. But sexual gratification is momentary and cannot make a relationship last. Instead, commitment allows for a lasting relationship and satisfying sexual pleasure. A cohabitation agreement says, "If I am not sexually satisfied, I can leave." But a person who is committed to making love with only one person for life has a stronger incentive to learn how to best please that other person. Self-less love brings more sexual satisfaction than selfish love.
The danger in a cohabitation arrangement is that sex can be used as "the solution" to all arguments and be the only way to demonstrate affection. If sex becomes the focus of the relationship, the couple will miss out on other aspects of intimacy and friendship. Also, if in the future one of the partners gets married to someone else, their marriage might experience tension from false expectations if that partner had a previous pattern of using sex as a way of coping with problems.
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Conflicting expectations between men and women 1.2.3.
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