uncertainty | fear of commitment
No Guarantees
Is it really worth the risk when there are no guarantees that your lover will stay with you?
Many friends have said that they are afraid to lose their partner so they move in together, hoping that the arrangement can keep them together. But, since there are no outlined commitments to stay with each other, what if unforeseen circumstances arise? A friend of mine got into a bad car accident with her live-in partner and discovered that as soon as a crisis arose, he was not as committed as she had thought. The financial difficulties, physical recovery, and legal workings were too much for him. Now she is left to deal with the physical pain as well as the emotional loss of having her boyfriend walk away (whom she trusted and thought would stay by her side).
Fear is not a healthy foundation for a relationship. How enjoyable is a flight if you sit rigid and afraid that at any second your plane could plummet to the ground? Fear breeds insecurity. But, perfect love, a committed love, casts out all fear because of the security it offers for both individuals. And the absence of fear is freedom. If we look at commitment with a healthy perspective, it is actually more freeing than restrictive. If this is true, why do people fear commitment?
Fear of Commitment
To investigate this fear I asked some friends what they thought of marriage. In response, many felt that there would be less motivation to work on the relationship once they were married. Their reasoning was that that the binding agreement of marriage would enforce staying together, not the work put into the relationship. Basically, they argue that in a marriage you and your spouse will 'slack off' and the relationship will deteriorate, leading to a divorce. They argue that in a living together arrangement you have to work hard to keep it together because there is no 'cushion' of a binding commitment. They conclude that the relationship will be healthier when living together.
But, most of us don't truly show our true colors unless there is some sort of security and commitment. When living together, the relationship could end up being based on false pretenses. Perhaps even the fear of the relationship ending would prevent both of you from being who you truly are.
When you're investing in a relationship that could end at any point, how secure can you feel about being yourself or opening up to your partner?
How much of yourself can you really reveal? In marriage, your spouse is meant to be with you for life. As you change through the years, the beauty of marriage is that you have the freedom to be who you are because your spouse has promised to love you no matter what. The exhilaration is in having your partner fully know the real you, and love you. Fear of the relationship ending at any time is not the type of exhilaration that you want. Many married couples have told me that you still need to work hard to keep the love alive in a marriage since you are with this person for life. The motivation in marriage is not fear, but commitment.
If people fear ending relationships, then why do they set themselves up for just that? So far it seems to me that a marriage is more secure than living together. To fully enjoy the thrill of riding a rollercoaster you have to comply with the rules. Relationships are exhilarating with all their highs and lows. You don't need to add the risks of insecurity and fear to make it more thrilling.
Love ends when one or both of you refuse to stick it out, especially when difficulties arise. I have a lot of university friends who say that they just want to have fun not commitment. But, I think they aren't being honest with themselves. It's what I call the 'relationship race' that we always discuss. It usually goes something like this:
"So, are you seeing someone right now?"
"Yes I am! He's really cute, lots of fun, I really like him."
"So how long have you been together?"
"About 5 months now. This is the longest relationship I've been in."
But relationships are about commitment and longevity. We talk about it all the time. It's a competition to see how long we can last in our relationships whether in comparison to our own, or others. Why is this, unless we long for commitment? Unless we want someone to truly love us and to be with us no matter how our weight, character, appearance, or dreams change? What does length of time say or prove to others? It says "I've changed, he's changed, but our love continues for each other."
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Reasons for cohabitation: uncertainty, loneliness and convenience 1.2.3.
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