Scars from a Broken Home
When I was in late high school my father, having recently separated from my mother, brought his new love to come live with me and my brother. His girlfriend had her share of 'baggage,' such as emotional problems and a low self-esteem having just come from another live-in relationship. My father, recovering from a broken marriage, had his own wounds to attend to. Thus began the relationship rollercoaster.
Some might see it as reasonable to move in with your partner once there are expressions of love. For those who knew my Dad, he seemed happier and more active. It seemed that my Dad’s relationship with his girlfriend was soaring. But, with closer inspection, problems with trust, communication and unity existed right from the start.
As a result of just leaving pervious relationships, my Dad and his girlfriend did not experience security in their relationship. For my Dad's girlfriend, the fear of my mom returning constantly bothered her. As for my Dad, he was bothered by the relationships she continued to maintain with her past partners. There was no 'seat belt,' no established commitment to hold them to the ride of their romance.
So, soon their valleys came. Nothing he could do, no loving words and no amount of communication could hold their relationship together. Even being promised to each other for marriage wasn't enough. My Dad's sorrows only deepened and her insecurities heightened. There were enough twists and turns to make them fall from this coaster ride.
What a disaster.
With no marriage commitment, and no reason for them to stay together, there was no security in their relationship. She eventually left and started another live-in arrangement. My father, two years later, wonders if he can trust another again and suffers the heart-wrenching consequences of being deeply connected to someone and then torn apart again.
And so it goes. It may appear that my Dad and his girlfriend did not do anything wrong. Many of my friends even suggest that it was a successful cohabitation because they found out they couldn't live together. I wonder though, at what cost? The living (sharing space) part of cohabitation was not the problem. The problem was that living together did not provide the security they both desired or needed in their love relationship.
The consequence of reckless relationships is best described by singer/song writer Brian Whalen: "Broken down bodies, broken down minds, hurting hearts, longing eyes." The effects of cohabitation on my family were emotionally devastating. My parent's problems became my problems and I didn't even have security in my own living space. I rarely chose to be home because of the tension that awaited me there.
If my Dad and his girlfriend had waited until they were ready to make a real commitment before moving in together, much heartache and insecurity created by separation might have been prevented. They didn't choose to put a seat belt on when entering this relationship rollercoaster.
Living together seems the safe thing to do. The implications of 'being tied down' in marriage are unnerving to some. And the option of living together offers your relationship the explorative freedom to develop to the next level of commitment. But, the problem with this choice is that it causes great insecurity because you never know if one of you will decide to end the relationship. What happens if you grow deeply attached to this person? This deep connection is a natural result of sharing your bed, your emotions, your food - your life with this person. Many confess becoming emotionally codependent on their partner as a result of living together. Then, when the relationship dies, severing this codependence is very painful.
If you are in a situation where you're living with someone you're not sure that you want to marry, most likely the relationship will eventually end as trying to work out your problems by living together will not help improve the relationship (will just make it more complicated). Sex and sharing rent do not guarantee a commitment promising that either of you will stick around. A marriage commitment is the only 'seatbelt,' which safely locks you in (not in a confining sense) to provide you the security to enjoy the ride.
Back to top
1.2.3. Why has cohabitation become a societal norm?
Related Reading
Copyright iamnext.com 2003. May not be reprinted without permission.
