I had the opportunity to interview a recent university graduate about her past involvement in unhealthy dating habits. Now married, she compares the joy of being married to her husband to the disappointments of her past lifestyle. Hear about the issues she faced and how she overcame them.
1. It is said that 50% of marriages end in divorce and that your parent's marriage will greatly affect your own experiences in relationships. What was your parent’s relationship like and how did it affect your view of marriage?
Growing up, I had no model of a working marriage because my parents divorced when I was only two years old. I was always in the middle ground - caught in between my parents. I saw my parent's dislike for one another. They never said anything about ever enjoying each other or enjoying their marriage. Although they had been married 11 years before having me, I never heard what those years were like.
Their estrangement greatly affected my view of marriage. Although I'm tempted to say I had developed a negative view of marriage, I think the truth is that I had a non-view of marriage. Whenever I tried to picture myself married, I just saw a void. Marriage wasn’t a tangible in my life. But, deep inside, I still hoped that I would find a marriage relationship that was long lasting. I hoped I would find the 'real deal' one day.
2. What was your relationship pattern growing up? Did you have many relationships?
I started dating when I was 16 years old. I was what you would call a "compulsive long term dater." Because of my home situation as a teenager, I started living at different friend's and boyfriend's houses on the weekends at 16. I thought this was a 'perfect' situation: my Dad thought I was at my Mom's house, my Mom thought I was at my Dad's house. They didn't seem to care if I was staying at my boyfriend's house, and it didn't bother me that they didn’t care.
I figured that I had the ideal situation and it was the first time I thought I was lucky to have divorced parents. I had no standards and my parents were so lackadaisical that I could do anything to the extreme. My Dad never re-married, but he lived with a woman the entire time I was growing up. He’s still with her and it's easier for me just to refer to her as my step-mom. So sharing an intimate relationship with someone outside the bounds of marriage was the norm for me.
3. Did other people encourage you to live with your boyfriends?
I was definitely influenced by those around me, including my parents. I was encouraged, or perhaps, just not discouraged, to live with my boyfriends. I wanted to do things differently than my parents, but ended up doing the same things.
When I turned 19, I began working at a restaurant. Most of the staff was young, and the restaurant atmosphere was like 'one big shuffle up gang.' Guys and girls were constantly pairing up, partying and living together. Often a group of employees would live together and then two people in the house would pair up and become a couple. No one ever talked about having had bad experiences living with someone so no consequences were ever mentioned as resulting from living with someone. Everyone just focused on having fun and living for the moment. It was all very casual. If people did have bad experiences, they would just re-shuffle and pair up with someone new. So, I accepted living with my boyfriend as typical to my age group.
4. At what point did you end up living with your boyfriend?
Things got pretty uncomfortable at home. I had to move out of my Dad's house, so I moved in full time with my Mom. Since I had never really lived full-time with either of my parents, my relationship with my Mom deteriorated as a result of me living with her full-time. I felt like I had to get out, so I began looking for a roommate. I wanted someone who would split the rent with me so I moved in with my boyfriend.
5. Was the financial pull a large factor in your decision? What other factors?
Splitting rent was definitely a big deal. But I was also tempted by the idea of creating my own home. Having grown up split between two houses, I had never had the opportunity to have one of anything. It sounds strange, but I was really excited about the idea of having one toothbrush, one bed, one place to come home to every night.
6. Had you ever thought of what might be the consequences of you living with your boyfriend? What were your expectations before living with him?”
No. I was in 'partying mode.' I was living in the moment! I didn't think about the consequences too much and I didn’t really have any expectations or if I did, they were very low. Maybe because they were so low, I didn't pay attention to getting to know him that well before I was already 'stuck' in the living arrangement. I never saw myself marrying him and didn't even think about a long term relationship.
7. Describe your relationship with this guy. When did things start to go sour?
At first I started living with him because I thought, "I get to save rent and it might be fun!" But, things turned on me pretty quickly. Mine was a very unique situation because we ended up having a platonic relationship. We started off dating, but eventually I suspected that he was gay. When I confronted him about this, he didn't deny it. He acted straight, and had been with other women before, so I never suspected it. I realized that he was actually using me and our relationship as a ploy so people wouldn't suspect that he was gay. I got pulled into the deception and facade that surrounded his life. I didn't realize this until four months into living with him and by then, I was locked into the financial dependence of living with him. When there is no commitment to a relationship, you can get yourself into anything! I got messed up with this very unpleasant situation which lasted for a full year because I was slammed into his array of problems.
I think I was the first one to figure out the truth about his homosexuality so he was afraid of being found out. Since he was a public figure, he put extra pressure on me to stay and when I threatened to leave he became abusive. It was a nasty situation. Before living with him, I never thought it would turn out like this way. I never even thought of the consequences of having to deal with his problems as well as mine.
8. Was it a difficult situation to get out of? What made you decide to leave?
At first it was just the hassle of the finances, and of packing up that prevented me from leaving. But soon it became much, much harder to leave than I imagined. He was so abusive I was afraid what would happen if I did leave. I was really scared, but I really wanted out.
I finally decided to leave because I started to feel God's call on my heart. I had always been trying to 'find myself' and it was during this self-exploration that I started to look into spirituality. I attended an Alpha course at a local church as a way for me to get some of my questions answered. I found my Christian mentor from this group. She met with me every week for a full year. We just talked about life and how I was making my way through it. Then, one night, she said something that struck me deep in my soul. She said that perhaps what was hindering spiritual peace was the fact that I was living with this guy and amidst his deceptive lifestyle. God truly spoke through her and I suddenly recognized His voice. It started to sink into my heart that the only way I would have peace was to accept Christ into my life (because I had made a mess of it), stop living with this guy, go back to my Mom's, and not focus on guys and dating anymore. Actually hearing God speak to you is a pretty startling experience! But at the same time, I realized that I had already been hearing God's voice my entire life. I just had been ignoring Him or not acknowledging that it was Him talking. But now that I knew God had loved me and been looking out for me all this time, I knew it was now my turn to show that I wanted to live a life for Him. Getting out of my living situation was the very critical first step. I called up my mom and asked for her help (and her van). Then I did a midnight run - we packed all my stuff out of the apartment so I could get out without being stopped. Shortly afterwards, I quit working at the restaurant and then my life really started to get back on track.
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