REASON #2: The Deceptive 50-50 Relationship
This philosophy of relationships actually works as long as the relationship is superficial and casual. It is only when increased commitment is desired that it becomes destructive. The tenet is that, in any decision, "I meet my partner halfway; they meet me halfway. We have a 50-50 relationship."
It sounds good until an issue arises about which one or the other feels strongly. In these sorts of situations, one person says to the other, "I'm only moving 40 percent of the way this time; you come 60 percent."
The other replies, "Oh no, I'm only coming 30 percent; you move 70 percent."
"Oh yeah? I'm only going 20 percent, so you come 80 percent."
"No way! I'm going nowhere. You come 100 percent!"
Instead of producing closeness and concern, this approach produces distance and animosity.
After his wife divorced him, one husband confided to me that his relationship really was not a 50-50 one, but that he was giving probably 80 percent of himself to the relationship. He thought that much would be enough. "Unfortunately," he added, "that's all she thought she needed to give too. And it wasn't long before our remaining 20 percents clashed, and she left. Dan, tell students that a long-term relationship is not 80-20 or 50-50. It is 100-100, and sometimes you even have to be 100-0. You must be totally committed even when your partner is not!"
How does one find a totally committed 100-100 percent relationship? I suppose there are many in this world, but they aren't a dime a dozen. They start inside of us. Something or someone must give us the ability to be totally, not partially, committed. Otherwise, one of the couple will suffer the "fight or flight" response, and the relationship will be decimated.
For me, Jesus Christ, who totally committed himself to me by dying for me, is that person. As a college student at Northwestern University, the only time I ever used his name was when I hit my thumb with a hammer, yet even while I was hostile to him, he still loved me enough to die for me -- 100 percent.
Then, when he came to live in my life, he came to be who he is in terms of who he is making me, using my personality, flaws, gifts and strengths. He produced his sort of 100 percent commitment in me. Thus, I am able to give to others, especially those closest to me. Without Christ, I would probably just be another 80-20 person, and my important relationships would have withered years ago.
Continue >> Going to the core of who we are as people >> 1.2.3.4.5
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