The 'Practice makes Perfect' Factor
Similar to the consumerist world where you have the chance to 'try it before you buy it,' many of my friends have the same attitude towards choosing a partner.
I've heard this justification about living together many times: "Since living together is such a different dynamic than just dating, I don't want to marry someone to find out that I can't live with him/her." They believe that 'practice makes perfect' and most see living together as a trial run for marriage. Like a consumer, they want to test drive the product before investing all their resources into it.
I understand why many people want to 'test it out' before committing to a relationship. Like many others, I come from a broken family and I don't want to make the same mistakes as my parents. After going through the pain of my parents’'falling out I was terrified of intimacy, relationships and commitment because of the potential for failure.
But, I wonder, can you test drive people like you can test drive objects that you buy? Objects don't feel rejected if you don't choose them. Testing a relationship is only good for the consumer, but not for the one being borrowed and rejected in the final decision.
I also question, if test driving a marriage is the best solution to preventing broken homes. How is it that arranged marriages in other cultures, or marriages before such an increase in divorce ever lasted before? If the couples in those marriages didn't live together before marriage, how did they make it work? Although my heart tells me to be afraid of marrying someone because of the possibility of failure, logically, I don't understand how two years of a trial run would prepare me or anyone any better for marriage than just dating someone. People are not static and neither are our relationships.
So, how indicative would living with someone for two years be of how the next 20 or 40 years of marriage will look like? Two years cannot accurately predict the future. Life happens, circumstances, personalities and relationships change. That being the case, could you not spend enough time while dating to get an indication of his/her character and bad habits? Perhaps the problem is that we are not being careful enough with our selection of a spouse?
The truth is that if you are compromising in your choice of a life-partner when entering a living arrangement, you already know that you won't be happy marrying them either.
Similarly, if you are concerned that your partner may turn out to be abusive or have a temper and you're living with him/her to test him out, the fact that you are concerned about this should already be a warning flag.
In my understanding trial runs don't make marriages last. Research shows that "the risk of divorce after living together is 40 to 85% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together" (1). Practice in this case does not make perfect. We are so scared of divorce that we are already setting ourselves up to fail in our marriages. Considering that the contemporary mentality is to commit 50% rather than 100% of yourself to another, we should not be surprised that many marriages end. Getting more 'practice' does not guarantee a strong marriage, but getting better understanding of a commitment is what makes a marriage last.
Is Marriage the Problem?
There are an overwhelming amount of studies (psychological, religious and non-religious) that show no long term benefits to living together before marriage. Why have we disregarded the institution of marriage? Why do we make such negative assumptions about what married life will be like based on our parent's mistakes? Is it the marriage that was the problem or them? Should we be blaming marriage?
Perhaps it is not the institution of marriage that is the problem, but we are the problem. Instead of pointing fingers at marriage, we should direct the blame at ourselves. We are the only ones who can really keep or break the commitments we make, not circumstances or family history. We are the ones who can make things better for our kids by being the committed spouses that our parents maybe never were. Perhaps it is time to revisit what marriage was meant to be and understand why committing to marriage is so important for us to do with the partner we love.
Marriage Provides Boundaries
As I read in a psychology text the other day, "Human behavior is the root of most of the world’s problems: poverty, crime, overpopulation, drug addiction, bigotry, pollution, war…if people's behavior could be changed, people's living conditions could be drastically improved." (2)
It is apparent by our behavior that we don't know what is best for us. If we did know what was best for us, we wouldn't be in so much pain or neither would our families. We need guidance, and boundaries. If we didn't have boundaries, there would be chaos. Guidance is essential because our own sense of right and wrong is not always trustworthy. Without boundaries you might think we would have more freedom, but without them we become ruled by our untempered passions and misguided ideas.
We need the written and spoken commitment of marriage to bind ourselves to each other. Without boundaries and guidelines there would be no unity and security in our relationship. We need the boundaries for ourselves to know what we have chosen and committed to do. Someone forcing you to commit to them will make you want to rebel. But, in choosing to marry as an act of will you are responsible to fulfill that commitment. Then if times get tough, we can be reminded that it was 'my own choice and promise' to stick this out and have no one else to blame. Without this reminder, we will place low expectations on ourselves and our partner and prepare to let the relationship deteriorate.
The Supernatural Element of Marriage
The relationship between a woman and man is beautiful and mysterious. I believe that the compatibility of male and female creates a supernatural union that it is designed for two committed people. The design is apparent in the way our bodies are made for each other and the way that a female's emotions and the male's protectiveness create an intimacy that no other institution on earth can compare to. The depth and the intricacy of this design is meant to be richly experienced. On it hangs the very well-being of our entire society.
That is why I believe that God, in his perfect knowledge of our finite understanding as humans created marriage because He knew it would be the best way for us to experience intimacy. In marriage relationship provides the security and purity for us to learn the risk of true love. The security of marriage allows a couple to enjoy the sweetness and vulnerability of giving yourself over to someone else. The security of marriage allows us to experience the joy of selflessly satisfying your partner's needs above your own. And, it is in the security of marriage that, with your heart in this other person's hands, you experience the immense satisfaction of having that love reciprocated by your spouse. It's unfathomable.
Why did God create the union of marriage when he created male and female? Because the marriage relationship helps us fully understand the intimacy we can have with God Himself. He loves us selflessly, enough to give his son to die for us. He made himself vulnerable to us, only to be beaten and killed upon a cross. And He loves us unconditionally like no other human has the capability to do. He loves us passionately, knows us intimately as our Creator, and He waits for us to accept His gift of undying love for us, and reciprocate love for Him.
Marriages that last are based on the type of love that God offers us. We are incapable of giving true love without God's help as it is a selfless, patient, kind, hoping, persevering, enduring, and never failing love. A marriage commitment that lasts is one that has this kind of love as its foundation.
Even spouses can never fully satisfy you - only the kind of live that comes from God can fully satisfy. When we get to know God and His love for us, we get to know the love that He desires for us to give and receive in our marriages.
A Friend's Story
A married friend of mine often talks about how God's love for her is reflected in her loving relationship with her husband. But she has not always experienced joy in relationships with men; she knows the lifestyle of cohabitation after living with a man and experiencing the downfalls of a live-in relationship. Now happily married, she explained to me the difference between living with someone and being committed to one man in marriage. This is the advice she would give to those considering cohabitation:
"There are no easy answers as to why someone would move in with another person, but there are a lot of reasons why not to do it.
First of all, living with someone is only pretending to have a committed relationship. As I am now married, I know that there is no comparison between living with someone and committing your life to someone. Although those considering moving in together will say that they are committed for life, in reality they're not. To be truly committed a couple needs to stand before friends and family and proclaim that they are in this relationship for the long-haul. They need to state it before a legal authority and enter into a binding contract together.
Most importantly, they need to stand before God and ask for His blessing and protection over their relationship. I have only been a Christian for four years, but I know without a doubt that God does exist and God does care about my life and my husband's. When I found God, I also found my husband.
The Lord will lead you to the person you can be and should be committed to for life.
But you need to be looking toward God and listening to Him first. His plan is never to 'shack-up' with your boyfriend or girlfriend. If you are considering doing this, you probably have a deep down feeling of uncertainty. You are probably weighing the pros and cons of living together and are convincing yourself that it makes sense to move in together.
But this uncertainty is God speaking to you.
An unsettled spirit is the Lord's voice telling you not to do it. If it's in God's will you will feel peace. In marriage a peace beyond understanding abounds. Wait to experience that security.
You will not be disappointed - I promise."
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2. Carlson, Neil. Psychology: The Science of Behavior. Toronto: Allyn and Bacon, 2002.
