healing from family hurt | living for myself
My family
>In the early years of my life I had a strong and stable family and expected it to stay that way. But in just a couple of years into high school, the perception of my family life was shattered. I went from having a "stable" home to having my parents separate, another woman move in with my father, boyfriends coming and going with my mother, and my life surrounded by lies and deceit.
>I could not tell any of my Christian friends because I thought no one would understand my situation or the pain I was feeling.
>I was very angry, confused, disillusioned, and I questioned why God would let this happen to my family. I questioned Christianity- "weren't we supposed to be more 'perfect' than others who weren't Christians?" Most of all, I felt abandoned and betrayed as my world crumbled around me.
>Despite the struggles that I faced, I clung to God because I had no one else to turn to. After months and months of feeling alone, and in a dark tunnel, light started to break through as I was reminded of God's love for me.
>As I began to spend more time in my relationship with God, I began to hope again because my marriage does not need to end in divorce like my parents! I also realized that we are all human and that we all make mistakes. Knowing that helped me to not judge my parents because I too do bad things such as deceive and lie. I knew I could forgive them.
>I also felt relieved in knowing that I did not have to fix what I did not break. In the security I felt through God and His faithfulness to me throughout the hardships, I finally began to share with friends the truth, and the truth began setting me free.
>My friend's provided support and comfort during this difficult time. Instead of being affected by my parents' mistakes, I was finally able to step back and learn from their mistakes. Although it has taken time, lots of communication, and vulnerability with my parents, I now have an amazing relationship with both of them and have learned so much about relationships through their mistakes. I can say that all my wounds, hurts, and scars are almost completely healed because of the security and hope I find in God's love because I know He has better plans for me. I am even glad to have experienced these hurts so that I can grow as a person and help others who have similar family issues.
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Living for myself
>Although I grew up in a Christian home and school, I still lived an independent and selfish life: I lived primarily for myself. I was very selfish and spent most of my time finding ways to be approved by others.
>Whether by working hard in school, trying to be funny, or winning friends I relied on these things for confidence and significance. Instead, I found that I developed an "eat them up and spit them out" mentality where I used many friends and did not end up having any close ones.
>I seemed to only push people away as I pushed myself up to be better than others by working harder and achieving more. It was not until early high school when I went to a summer Christian camp that I realized what I was truly missing.
>At the camp, I found people who seemed satisfied with who they were. They seemed secure, and didn’t find their significance in other peoples' acceptance. I wanted what they had. I had already been told as a child that to go to heaven I just had to believe that I was bad (which had always seemed obvious) and that I could not pay for the mistakes I made by myself. I had also understood that God had sent his son Jesus to pay for my mistakes, and that in order to be acceptable to God I just had to ask Jesus into my heart. But, at this point in my life I had never equated entering into a relationship with God as something that would alter my world significantly and give me "worth," "satisfaction in life," or "acceptance."
>Realizing the depths of my self sufficiency came through talking with my grandmother and through camp. My self-sufficiency had only brought me loneliness, insignificance, and I never seemed to be good enough in my own eyes. But, God actually wanted to be my sufficiency. My true acceptance and significance, I realized, was based on my relationship with Him but my problem was that I was looking elsewhere for it. In effect, by losing touch with God I'd fallen apart. So, I made a commitment again to follow God and believe His promises for me. His promises are everything that I desire: to be accepted, significant and satisfied through my relationship with Him.
>As things change over the years, there is the assurance in my heart that I am accepted, and significant to God. I know now I don’t need to gain others approval by what I do. Instead, I have God's un-ending acceptance of me and can trust Him for the significance I crave.
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More about Shannon's quirks and struggles 1.2.
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