reaching a breakdown | finding a way out
A destructive lifestyle:
>Once I was climbing a mountain. I thought that when I reached the peak, I would see something wonderful and it would speak to me and fulfill me. When I reached the peak, the other side looked the same, no better.
I realize that this was a picture of my life. I was always looking for the next mountain's peak.
>I tried alcohol and drugs. Occasionally I grasped that feeling of freedom, though it came at a price leaving me physically devastated and unmotivated, which is unlike me. But the freedom was always elusive.
>I had developed an eating disorder and was considering doing heroin to shut out the voices in my head. I didn't want to die but I wanted something to numb my brain. At my lowest point, I seriously considered how I might commit suicide, wondering if I could find a gun somewhere.
>I knew how much my way of life was destroying my body and mind. I knew there was more to life than I could see. I decided to quit everything... I needed to find a way to see reality without the drugs.
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Finding freedom:
>I was looking for solutions. I turned to a New Age organization. I was attracted to it because it was spiritual, and because it went against the grain -- it was something different.
>I had been drawn to church a few times before but would leave when anyone said that Jesus was the only way to God. But I would still sit outside of church, to feel God's peace without having to hear about Jesus.
>I set goals to break free from my addictions and by one miracle after another was successful. I was finally free but I remember thinking, "Something's still missing. If this is it, what's the point?"
>One day when I was in a church again, God's presence was so clearly there and he was extremely real to me. I became very aware of my selfish nature and actions, realizing that my selfish and rebellious nature offended God and separated me from him.
>I realized all the good things God had given me. I quit drinking and drugs. He gave me people that helped me find freedom from addiction. I asked God why he had given me so many good things. I wasn't expecting an answer. But I heard a voice as clear as day, "Because I love you." It was so clear I couldn't deny that it existed and that I'd heard it.
>Later that week at home, I read Jesus' claim again, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father but through me." I made a decision to accept that Jesus had died for my wrong doings. I said to God, "If this is the way to you, ok."
>God has given me a joy I was always looking for in people, places, and things. And he's given me a lasting freedom in my relationship with him.
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