I remember lying in bed one night in high school, so angry with myself. I hated that I was a nerd. I thought I was ugly. And I was sure that who I was inside was a very different person than the “me” everyone else saw. I wasn’t perfect, and I felt I should be. I can’t really explain how I felt. Torn is probably the closest word. Torn between who I was and who I wished I was. Knowing I was supposed to love myself, feeling guilty that I didn’t, angry that I couldn’t. God! Why? I hate who I am.
I won’t try to reconstruct the conversation I had with God. I don’t remember it. But this is the realization I came to: by hating myself, I was calling God a liar. He says, "I created your inmost being; I knit you together in your mother’s womb. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. My works are wonderful. You are precious in my sight and I love you."
I was saying, "I am not precious. I am unlovable. You made some mistakes when you made me." And if God has made a mistake in one thing, then how could I trust anything that God has said or done? The whole deal about God is that He is perfect and loving. All of a sudden, it came down to this: “Do I believe God? Or do I throw out everything I’ve thought and believed about who He is?”
I wrestled with this, I remember. But in the end, I had to believe God. I had no other hope.
And now, when I struggle with these issues, when I don’t like who I am inside and I vent that frustration on my outer body, I come back to this night and ask the same question: Do I believe God? Some days I don’t feel it, but I believe it, and I can’t just walk away. Some mornings, I still look in the mirror and think If only…But I’m learning to see things differently. I’m learning to see that the real me is who God says I am, and not who I think I’m supposed to be. I’m learning that I am not perfect, and I cannot be, and I don’t have to be. I am still loved, even when I miss the mark.
Finding Forgiveness
I mean, we’ve all done things we shouldn’t have. We’ve spoken hurtful words out of anger, peeked at the test next to us, “forgotten” to tell the clerk when they gave us too much change. That poses a bit of a problem when I think of God. He is what I am not; perfect. How can I ever hope to have a friendship with Him when I so clearly don’t deserve it?
It amazes me when I think of how God allowed Jesus to become a human, to live with us, love us, and then die for us. Jesus didn’t deserve to die; he chose to take the penalty of each of our sins. When He returned to life, He proved His power over death and sin. And that means He has the power to offer me a relationship with God.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines grace as, “An exceptional favour granted by some one in authority, a privilege, a dispensation…mercy, clemency; hence, pardon or forgiveness.” This concept is something I’m only just beginning to understand. But the more I grasp how much forgiveness God has given me, the more I realize how deeply He loves me.
As I internalize this love, I have confidence to live life boldly and take risks. This is more than just confidence in myself; I still make many, many mistakes. But God is always there when I do. I don’t have to live in fear of what others’ think of me, because I can always turn back to the love, complete acceptance, and great value that God has for me. I don’t have to try to earn other people’s approval, because I already have God’s approval.
I’ve always struggled with living up to others’ expectations. I feel pressured to perform and succeed and be who others perceive me to be, or who I perceive them to perceive me to be. I sometimes believe that if I am who others want me to be, then I will get their love and acceptance.
When I realized that that’s not how God works, it really blew me away. Grace means that I cannot measure up, but I get love anyway. All I have to do is accept God’s gift of a relationship with Him. And for me, living without the pressure to measure up; that is freedom.
Read Beth's lifestory 1.2.3.
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