I interviewed former university student Samantha about a codependent friendship she was involved in. Although she is no longer friends with "Anna," Samantha is learning how to build healthy friendships.
meeting my needs | patterns of control
What addictive behavior were you struggling with?
A codependent friendship.
How did it start?
Six years ago I met a person I thought would be my best friend for life. I was going through a huge transition in my life coming home from college and having to start over in building friendships. Although I graduated, all my friends were still in college and my old friends from high school had all changed. It was hard for me to identify and connect again with my old friends.
I connected with a few of my old friends from high school, and through one of them I met Anna.
At the beginning of our friendship Anna and I connected really well and we had a lot of fun. We spent a lot of time together right from the beginning. She too had just come home from college and didn't know anyone.
We started hanging out 2-3 times a week, but I started calling her more and more.
By the second year of our friendship we hung out every night and were communicating thoroughly every day.
We became inseparable to the point that people thought we were sisters. Neither of us had been in an unhealthy friendship before and because we shared a deeper dimension of life in our friendship (faith and spirituality), we never thought our attachment to each other was unhealthy.
But, over time, I started becoming more manipulative over her and placed higher and higher expectations on her. I figured that if she knew me best she should know how to treat me perfectly.
She was the one that I thought had to give me what I needed and I would get upset if I didn't get it. I demanded a lot from her and she complied most of the time with what I needed.
What kinds of needs did you want her to meet?
I was really looking for Anna to meet my emotional needs. I wouldn't go to God first at all. I thought about praying but the first person I thought of was Anna.
Ultimately, I thought Anna could help me and pray with me. We were there for each other spiritually, but only in a selfish way.
Why did you feel "addicted" to this relationship?
Because I felt I needed. It seemed to be a safe place to go for refuge. To me, she seemed like a safe haven.
I tried to find my satisfaction and fulfillment in Anna. But, she could hardly meet a tenth of what I expected or thought I needed from her.
When did you start to see a problem with your relationship?
Anna's relatives and close friends would say that we hung out too much. But both of us were too entrenched in our friendship to think anything was really wrong. We were both needy and we both fulfilled needs in each other. But, at the same time, we weren't satisfied because there was a void there that we could feel and sense, especially spiritually. We knew that only God could fill that void and fulfill our needs, but we went to each other instead of to God.
We began to realize that we were becoming too dependent on each other. At first there was no way I'd drop her friendship, because she still meant the world to me. But after spending more time with God and reading bookson friendship and codependence, we were both seeing just how unhealthy the relationship had become.
Describe what your relationship looked like in its most dependent stage...
Often Anna would get angry easily because I was manipulative and possessive.
I was outgoing and dominant, and she, being opposite, was a good follower. Our difference in personality made it easy for our friendship to get out of balance.
Throughout this time I was blinded to my other friends. I didn't see how my other friends were really important to me. I also neglected to value my own family. I cared more about Anna coming over on a family day more than I cared about seeing my family.
I wanted to be with her all the time. I would shower her with cards and gifts. She would do the same for me.
When I was hanging out with Anna I would try to control who she hung out with and control how deep her friendship with others would get.
I would ask her what she was doing during the week and made sure she spent the most time with me. I continually re-affirmed in my mind that I was number one in her life.
Throughout all of this, I didn't realize how manipulative I had become.
Looking back I can see how much of what I did had an ulterior motive. I wanted what was best for her, but I was the one who determined that. I figured what was best for her was to build our friendship.
I tended to see myself as a needed person in her life. If I wasn't in her life I thought she would be weakened and not grow to her potential. It was selfish because I thought I was everything to her.
But often, our friendship was disappointing. When we spent time together, I would expect it to look a certain way and would be angry, sad, or disappointed when it didn't go the way I expected.
I would analyze our time together and question if our time together was quality or deep enough. This wore me out and made me anxious. It felt like the end of the world when we couldn't hang out together. Overall, my self esteem sucked.
How would you feel if she wanted to leave you?
We constantly confirmed with each other that we would never be separated. Any time I would panic she would always affirm that "I'll always be your friend, I'll always be there for you."
But, you can't make promises like that to a friend because you don't know where you'll be or how you'll change. We made these promises to each other to give each other a sense of stability.
What steps did you have to take to get back out of this codependent relationship?
Through mentorship, reading the Bible and reading books I learned that our friendship was unhealthy.
About 5 months ago she took an important step and asked to take time away from our friendship.
Since then, we haven't communicated or talked. God has done so much in both our lives in the last 5 months. It was the best thing we've ever done.
For me, it is a daily decision to look to God instead looking to others. I've given Anna to God every single day since our separation. Each day I have to decide that God is the Lord of my life, not Anna. I made the mistake of considering Anna to be God to me.
It has been a grieving process as well. God's been showing me more and more what a real friendship, what a God centered friendship, looks like. Now I love God more than I ever did before.
Did you notice a pattern of control in your past relationships?
Yes, it started immediately after high school. High school was a crucial time in my life and I never felt accepted. I felt rejected basically for who I was and felt very alone. I tried really hard, and was afraid I wouldn't have any friends. I wanted to ensure that I had friends so I was always trying to be in control.
In college I became dependent on friends. But, this dependency didn't reach its peak until I met Anna because at that point I really wanted a best friend. Anna was so compliant to go along with all my suggestions and I was not allowing God to direct my heart or mind.
There were so many things I didn't believe about myself so my mind was really left unaffected by God. I didn't let him take over my thoughts and this affected my feelings. I loved others but I loved wrongly. My love was misdirected.
After turning my life back over to God, my mind changed from one that was very selfish and focused on me, to having God as the center of my thoughts.
Instead of caring mainly about what people think about me, now I think of what pleases God and how He would want me to love. As I love myself and others the way God wants me to love, I reflect His image and love.
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What does a healthy friendship look like? 1.2.
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