Jennifer Liu will never forget the summer she spent visiting her family in Hong Kong. Surrounded by some of the world's skinniest women, she felt fat by comparison. Her relatives agreed.
"I remember being called 'the chubby girl," she says, sadly. "Even though they didn't say it in a mean way, it really bothered me."
Returning to high school that fall, Jennifer tried harder than ever to fit in. She changed her hair, her make-up - even her personality - but it never seemed to be enough.
By Grade 12, her quest for approval had developed into a full-fledged eating disorder.
"At first I tried not to snack so much," she says. "Then I cut back on my portions. Soon I was counting calories and measuring everything. Eventually, I wasn't eating much of anything."
Not realizing her condition, Jennifer's friends complimented her on her slimmed-down appearance.
"They'd tell me how great I looked," she says, "so I kept on with it. I was always trying to look better than before."
After a while, she couldn't do it anymore. The doughnuts her friends were eating just looked too good. So she had one. Then another. And another. Tired of starving herself, Jennifer began binging on junk food and in time, became bulimic.
"I was so obsessed with eating and purging, that I don't think I saw anything around me," she says.
Even after high school, her struggle continued. But during her first year at university, she met some Christian students who gave her a new perspective.
"I'd always believed in God, but he seemed far away and distant," she says.
The God her new friends talked about was different - personal, even. They explained that God loved her so much that he gave his only son Jesus so that she could have a personal relationship with God. So Jennifer decided to give him a try. She asked Jesus to come into her life and began calling herself a Christian.
Still, it took some time for the things she was learning about God to sink down into her heart. After years of striving to earn people's approval, it was hard for her to accept the reality of God's unconditional love and acceptance.
"It took a while for me to realize that I don't have to be a certain person for God to love me," she explains. "That no matter what happens, he really does delight in me."
Today, Jennifer tries to see herself as God sees her - beautiful and beloved. Though she still thinks about her weight, those thoughts no longer control her.
"I know that there's nothing I can do to make God love me more," she says. "And equally important, there's nothing I can do to make him love me less."
Jennifer is currently studying at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, BC, Canada. Copyright 2000 Women Today Magazine. Used with permssion.
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