by
S.M. Britt
elementary | high school | university | breakthrough | steps to freedom
Walking in victory
After examining my belief systems and aligning my heart with the truth of what God thought of me, practical steps were necessary. I knew that if I tried to control my overeating, I would fail. I had to start examining the process leading up to my obsessive eating habits in order to run in the opposite direction.
The battle of the mind
I began to realize that so much of the battle always began in my thoughts. If I 'thought' about food, obsessed about overeating, and thought I would fail again, I would. But, if I thought that I had victory, that I didn't have to make the same mistakes, and that I didn't need to eat for satisfaction, I would be able to walk away.
Every time that I would think about it I had to start examining where these thoughts were coming from. Was I hungry because of a physical need? Was I wanting to eat because others were eating? Why was I thinking about food? By consistently denying myself food to fill any desire except my physical need, half of the battle was already over. So often I had to look to God for help to keep my mind focused on not giving into my desire for food.
Emotional dissatisfaction
At one point, I was able to look at my struggle very objectively. It was shocking what I saw. Why did I think that food would fulfill my emotional needs? Why did I run to fill myself with something that I knew didn't satisfy? Never had it satisfied me. Even amidst my family struggles, emotional healing did not come from food. Why would I eat when I was not hungry?
So I had a new method of repeating truth, "If I am not hungry, don't eat. If I am full, stop eating." The simplest diet I ever heard of! I didn't want to try and abstain from things I wanted to eat, and I didn't want to diet as they never worked. Practically, this was not easy. But, it was a matter of repeating truth to myself. I needed to learn to run to God with my emotional hurts and doubts and not to food. God was the one who knew me, loved me, and could satisfy me fully.
God's way was for me to depend on Him for all emotional satisfaction. My boyfriend would inevitably fail me and so would friends and family, but God never would. Food was just in the way of me getting what I really wanted: emotional satisfaction from God.
Self-control: Knowing your body
I had been afraid for so long to try and fight my issues with food, because I truly believed I had no self-control. Any time I tried to be self-disciplined; I always convinced myself to fail again. But, in the Bible it talks about self-control being something that came from God. It wasn't that I had to try harder; it was that I had to trust God's ability and not my own. The answer to fighting my addiction could not be found in how much control I had because it began to control me. I had to finally give up control to God, so that my desires could be controlled and fulfilled by Him.
Recognizing that 'trying harder' was not the answer showed me that I didn't really know my body. I didn't know what 'hungry' meant to me. What was the feeling of being hungry? I was constantly eating, so I didn't know how it felt to 'starve.' I started to become familiar with my body. It became familiar to eat when I was actually hungry and to wait until I was. As for stopping when I was full, often I had to consciously walk away. Sitting in front of the TV, reading a book, or eating in an emotional state was always the first step to a binging session. I had to be more aware of what I was doing and why I was doing it. If I was reading a book or watching TV, I wasn't really aware of how much I was eating. By focusing on eating, I could be more aware of how my body felt. This helped me be able to define my boundaries of how much was physically enough.
The influence of others
Even though control was given up to God, my beliefs were aligned and my emotions were satisfied, there was still another force that made me turn to food and influence my thought process the way that I would talk to other women. If I engaged in a conversation about how bad I felt about my weight or about food, this often led me into the same cycle of comparisons. I had to learn to watch what I said and to watch my interactions with others. I needed to surround myself with people who were confident in themselves and not others who had the same issues. The Bible talks about a little bit of yeast working through the whole dough. I had to be careful not to let even small influences affect my health. When my mom would call and mention a new diet, I had to ask her to stop talking about it and step away from joining her.
I also needed the help of others. When exposed before friends and my boyfriend, I couldn't hide in shame. By being vulnerable, I didn't need to hide behind my beliefs about myself or my weight. By being real, I couldn't convince myself that I needed to push people away. I needed their help! This action of being vulnerable also helped battle my beliefs about what would qualify me for the love of others. If I told close friends and they still loved me, I knew that love was not about deserving it. I had to allow them to love me and build me up, rather than push them away.
The truth about food addictions
Months after my initial decision to do things God's way, the lies and voices grew quieter. I couldn't believe how much I had changed. I still slid into bad habits, but there was a significant difference in my heart. I didn't need food to satisfy me. I didn't need to be a failure. And I definitely wanted to be healthy.
I also started to become much more aware of the women around me too. I couldn't believe how many women struggle with this same issue. It's not healthy. God doesn't want us to have to starve ourselves to be thin. He wants us to be healthy.
One time, I was sitting with three older women in their 30s and discussing worries about weight. One woman was on a crazy crash diet that had to be doctor-monitored it was so severe. The other two were equally worried about their weight. I couldn't believe that these women, who looked wonderful, were so concerned. It occurred to me the extremes women take in our society. One side of the women population starve and use unhealthy tactics to lose weight. Constantly dieting, they may look good, but inside they are unsatisfied. The other half feel so rotten about themselves that they are overweight and cannot seem to fight their food addiction. They too are unsatisfied.
There is a very small margin of women who do things the healthy way. To be able to have life in balance is God's plan for our bodies. We were never meant to be overweight or underweight. Society doesn't help either by media influences and the involvement of food in everything. It's so easy to look to something tangible to fill our every emotional (or other) needs. But food was never meant to fill anything but our bodies.
In recognizing just how many people (women especially) who struggle with this, I was compelled to share my journey. I never want to go back. It's just not worth it.
Journal entry:
Any worries, fears, doubts, and insecurities are caused by the world. Why do we carry them with us? We are freed from all these issues by the cross. But, we choose to give up satisfaction to be unsatisfied. It's comfortable to cling to what we know and to what we have dealt with for so long. We are afraid that we will have nothing else left if we give them up to God. But, He will fill us, free us, and love upon us until we are so fulfilled and satisfied that these ‘things’ are exposed for the frauds that they really are. ONLY GOD can satisfy us, only He can fill our deepest longings and answer the cries in our heart. These things were never meant to satisfy us. If other things satisfied we would not have to keep going back to them over and over again, struggling with their burden and false hopes. Things will never be enough to satisfy us. But God, He is more than enough.
Today
It's hard to believe that this journey even happened. If I stop and remember how dark my world was becoming, I cannot believe that I have so much freedom now. But, the reality is, this is still something I battle. When I am not looking, I have the same thoughts again and the same motives for eating. When I don't stay on my toes, I can turn back to the life that did satisfy me. That’s why I cannot walk this road alone.
Interestingly, my weight has not changed all that much. I am not much thinner now. But if you could take a glance at my heart, you would see a very different woman.
My worth is not defined by what I look like. I know now that my satisfaction cannot come from food, control, or being beautiful.
As a culture, we are deceived into believing that food has to be eaten at most social events. As women, we think we have to measure up to a standard of beauty. As a society, we think that quick fixes and easy solutions are the only means to fix our problems. We are deceived and we can choose to continue to be deceived or we can stand up, cry out to the only source of true satisfaction, and walk the road to freedom from the chains of whatever we are slaves to.
I plead with you, if you are in the middle of your own darkness and struggles, there is only one hope for true escape and it's not through what you are addicted to. God is the only one who can heal you completely, help you to victory, and is the source of your only hope. Every other means to rid yourself of the burden of addiction will just bring you back to where you started. I know -- I've been there. But I never want to go back and by God's grace alone - I won't.
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