by
S.M. Britt
elementary | high school | university | breakthrough | steps to freedom
Unworthy of love
During this time of examining myself, it became clear how I pushed other people away from me. I was very much in love with my boyfriend, but I never let him get too close. I figured that as soon as he discovered who I really was, he would run away.
In fact, this reaction to him made it clear that I also believed that about God. I believed that I wasn't worth His love. I don't know why I felt so unworthy of love, but this belief made me continue to eat to prove to people that I wasn't worthy of love.
Letter to boyfriend:
I think feeling worthy of love would largely end my problem of overeating. This issue of worthlessness needs to be defeated more than my bad eating habits. I think food is just a result, not the issue. I think it's because of the fact that I don't think people really understand who I am. But, I don’' show them! I want to prove to people that I could be worthy if I work harder, give more, help more, or love more then maybe I will be worthy of their acceptance? I look back and I worked so hard in school for approval and worthiness. There's a pattern here. There will always be something that I am trying to fill my need for worthiness with.
For so long I believed I had to earn other people's love. Perhaps that was why I worked so hard at everything and was crushed if I failed. This worthlessness pushed my boyfriend's love away and ultimately, pushed God’s love away.
I thought I had to work hard to make Him love me and since I kept failing to battle food, I was unworthy. But, the Bible says that God loves me despite what I do: "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, not by works, so that no man can boast" Ephesians 2:8. It didn't matter what I had done, what I would do or what 'rules I followed,' He loves me because He created me. If I couldn't even accept His love, how could I ever accept anyone else's love? So I had to start believing that love is never deserved, it's a gift. I was not worthless. I was loved despite my faults and I should accept love freely. God's love cannot be earned. Just as it is freely given, so must I freely receive it.
Self-acceptance
Letter to my boyfriend:
The disgust I feel of myself half the time makes me hardened to God. It makes me pretend. I am not lovable. I know what I am really like, and it's not lovable. So I pretend to be someone else. Sometimes I believe you when you tell me you love me, but then I realize again how horrible I am, how dark my heart is, and how stupid I was to believe you loved me. I feel like I am crawling under my skin; it is my protection to continue being the way I am. I don't understand how God can love me like this. Amidst my sin?
I was a person who always had to 'fit in.' This meant that I would change myself to be how others wanted me to be. Somehow, I came to believe that I was someone who was not lovable. I pretended to be someone else to be loved. But the Bible says something different about me. It says that God knew me before He created the world. God says that He created my inmost being, the He knows when I sit and when I rise, that He saw me in my mother's womb, and that He knows the very number of hairs on my head. God loves me as me.
Even knowing the sins I would commit, Jesus still chose to die to save me from those sins. This kind of acceptance was something I did not earn or deserve. I was free to receive it because God made me, He was my Father, and because He wanted a relationship with me. He loves me just as I am.
Shame and unbelief
Just as unworthiness pushes people away, so does shame. Shame says 'Don’t come near me for I am unclean.' I believed that God was more disgusted with me each time I sinned, turned to food and again asked for help with this addiction. As a result of my shame I told no one about what I was going through.
The thought of anyone seeing me eating like I did or knowing the thoughts I had when comparing myself to other women made me very ashamed. But God does see us. He already knows. We cannot hide from him. I was afraid in my shame and afraid of God’s anger at me. But this shame and fear only prevented me from experiencing his love and forgiveness. I didn't believe that I was truly cared for by God.
The Bible says that God not only forgives when we confess our sins to Him, and that He cleanses us completely. There is no record on us anymore of our sin. So, every time that I approached Him again, it was like I had just struggled with it for the first time. Jesus died for my sins in the past and the sins that I will commit in the future.
Fear of failure: Getting up when you fall
Since freedom was going to be a journey when I started walking, I had to be prepared for mistakes. Usually when I messed up, a voice was accusing me. When accused I would agree that I was a failure, and why try? Every time I agreed, I would end up eating more, feeling worse, and back to where I had started again. I had to be ready to keep moving forward, even if I did mess up again. I had to start believing that I wasn't a failure, no matter how far I'd fallen. This realization came after a very profound event:
Journal entry:
This morning was devastating. I had not felt that low in so long -- it was dangerous and painful. I couldn't believe I could mess up so badly. I was at work, and just kept eating. My stomach hurt yet I kept eating. Something was wrong. I was so unsatisfied despite eating so much. I needed God and finally cried out: 'Not my way, but yours!' I couldn't believe what happened after I called out to God. All of a sudden, I had hope again. I had victory in my mind and didn’t have to continue eating the rest of the day. I didn't have to make the rest of the day a mess because I had already failed. This failure was not the end of it all it was another step to overcoming. God was there for me. He was fighting for me. I am not meant to be 'overweight,' and I was never meant to idolize food. I was meant for a purpose. The rest of my days have been filled with hope and victory.
Never had I realized just how much God cared as when He met me at my lowest point and picked me up again. I wasn't afraid to fall after this. I knew that even if I did, I could still have victory. I realized amidst my frustration of another failure that God served the lowest of the low when He chose to die for this struggle too.
For so long I didn't want to try fighting this struggle again, because I was afraid to fail again. I didn't think I could forgive myself again. But now I wasn't afraid, I knew forgiveness would be waiting there for me again.
The Bible says His mercies are new every morning. I didn't have to punish myself for messing up, by eating even more. I could forget a binge the night before, and start again!
Finding victory >> 1.2.3.4.5
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