Pictures of me as a little kid are really cute -- curly blond hair, a quick smile and eyes always looking for the next adventure. I had the confidence that comes from knowing you are truly loved. If we painted pictures at school, I painted three.
I was the product of an almost perfect childhood, but it didn't stay that way.
Around grade six I became the kid everyone picked on. Maybe I didn't wear the right clothes, maybe kids are just mean sometimes, for whatever reason it started and it kept going. By high school there was a group of four or five guys who told me I was stupid and ugly every single day.
I believed them.
It is amazing what you accept as truth when you hear it enough times. As my confidence faltered and my self esteem withered away I stopped talking in class, in groups, or in the hallways. I dreaded lunch hour, never stepped foot inside the cafeteria and the thought of class presentations literally made me sick. I stopped smiling. They tell me I went a whole year and never smiled once.
Convinced I was worthless I would stress over every test and paper even though my grades were consistently in the 90's. My whole life revolved around being as invisible as possible, thinking that I couldn't get hurt if everyone forgot I was there. I had so little respect for myself and I was so afraid that I considered suicide but decided that I couldn't do that to my family. Suicide is something you can't take back, and deep inside I still loved my family, even if I couldn't love myself.
Things did not improve so halfway through grade eleven I transferred to a different high school in a desperate attempt to get away. It worked, but it did not solve my problems. The insults stopped but I still had to face myself, running wasn't going to fix that. That summer I attended a conference with the youth group from my church and found answers in the last place I would have expected.
At the conference I came to realize that God loves me very, very much. I matter to God, what an incredible truth! Suddenly I had value, I had something to build on and the healing began. The world is a scary place when you stop liking yourself. Now I had hope. I had learned about God as a child, but just trying to survive had consumed me and I had long since forgotten about Him. God had not forgotten about me.
During my second year of university, I came across the verse in the Bible that is one of my favorites,
"I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:9&10)
Words are powerful things and God's words of love are the most powerful of all. I smile a lot now -- I guess I'm still making up for that one silent year -- and while I doubt I'll ever be a public speaker, I no longer walk around with my eyes on the floor. I am still learning, but my Mom tells me that I remind her of this little girl she used to know with curly blond hair, a quick smile and a glint of adventure in her eyes.
Claire Colvin has a BA in English from Trinty Western University, a cat named after a Tolkien hero and dreams of living in Tuscany one day, even if it's just for the summer. Copyright 2000 Women Today Magazine. Used with permission.
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