Addiction. What a horrible word. Every time I hear it I cringe, not wanting to be associated with its meaning in any way. My whole life I prided myself on having independence. I never wanted to be dependant on anything -- not on my family, not on friends, not on God or on anything else that wanted to control my life.
I was a strong woman, a thrill seeker, a seductress. I was a self-proclaimed rebel who was always up for a good time and whose motto in life seemed to be, "if it feels good, do it." I was in control, I was in the driver's seat and I was the one who decided what I did or didn't do. Or so I thought...
A counselor once told me that I have an addictive personality. Curious, I looked up the term on the Internet and found that having this personality type meant that I was "prone to seek short-cut solutions to feeling good or alleviating pain." I didn't agree. I just considered myself someone who knew what she liked and when she liked it!
I was a third year university student, I came from a good supportive family, was athletic and outgoing. Yet, inside I felt insecure and hid my feelings of self-doubt by going out and getting drunk on the weekends with friends.
I loved the feeling alcohol provided for me when I was binge drinking. It seemed to take away my insecurities about what I was wearing, what I was saying or whether I was pretty enough or not. I thought the alcohol was allowing my "true-self" to emerge and I seemed to like her better! She was loud, fun, up for anything and never afraid of rejection.
After a while I needed more and more alcohol to get the same intoxicating feeling. One night at a house party I stumbled into a bedroom to find a friend doing some cocaine. She suggested I try it. I did some and instantly loved the feeling it gave me.
Slowly my drinking habit seemed to decline as my drug habit began to incline. Cocaine became a staple for me and I began to rely on it to feel confident in my own skin. In a way I always wore a mask. I thought that if I could hide my feelings of worthlessness I could fool anyone. With cocaine, I thought I had complete control. But, I lost track of who I was. I was constantly creating lies to cover up my habits so I wouldn't hurt my family or friends. I didn't want to have to stop using drugs because then I would be totally alone with no feelings of pleasure in my life. Besides, then everyone would know I was a real nobody.
Looking back, I think I always believed that I was a real nobody. I knew I was smart, I knew I could sing and play the guitar well, but I strived to be perfect. I wanted to be beautiful and loved unconditionally. I thought, "if only I was perfect, they'd love me. No one could possibly love me for my own sake, so I must achieve perfection in order to be accepted."
Using drugs was my way of taking away that feeling of ugliness. When I was high I didn't worry about being perfect. I felt nothing. It was always a roller coaster ride. I got high, felt great for a short time, but then always came crashing down off the high. As I sobered up, the reality of my life would make me feel utterly hopeless.
Eventually I stopped going to class and locked myself up in my room. Using cocaine was the only thing that made me happy and a hazy fog clouded my vision of the future. I remember lying in bed one night, crying, wishing I had a different life when suddenly I knew I had to go home to my family. I finally realized that I had a drug problem.
Let me say that I tried to break the bondage of my addictions on my own. I made the decision to move home, told my parents I needed help, and started to attend drug-counseling meetings. I followed everything they told me to do and I stayed drug free (with the exception of one slip up) but I still felt like it was a constant, daily struggle to stay clean. Everything was dependant on my will and a lot of times I just didn't feel I had the strength or desire to make good decisions. Some days I felt like I could accomplish anything, and then others I felt like I couldn't even drag myself out of bed. I needed help outside of myself. I had also stopped using cocaine but I still had a feeling of emptiness inside of me. I definitely did not feel fulfilled. It wasn't until I began a relationship with a man named Jesus that I finally became free.
Inviting Jesus into my life was the most fulfilling, life-changing decision I have ever made. I read somewhere that bad habits are often, if not always, evidence of one's desperate and unmet need for God's presence within us.
I had been using drugs and alcohol as a means of filling the emptiness in my heart. Underlying my chemical addictions was an even stronger emotional addiction. I wanted acceptance; I yearned for love and wanted forgiveness. Once I turned to Jesus for help he met my needs with open arms and gave me even more than I could ever imagine.
I came to the Jesus broken and ashamed. I knew I couldn't live this life my way any longer. I needed help, I needed forgiveness and I needed love. Suddenly my fiercely independent desire melted away and I no longer felt alone. I asked God to help me, to show me the right way to live; and He did. I was able to give myself completely to Jesus. Therefore, God was able to be in complete control of me regarding the decisions I needed to make about drinking or drugs. Everyone, at one time or another, struggles with a bad habit or addiction. Maybe it's shopping too much, smoking, drinking, lying, pornography or sweets. It might even be a more "acceptable" addiction. It is human nature to want to hide those things away and maintain this vision of perfection, hoping no one will ever find out the secret of addiction and its strength in your life. But it haunts you; it grows in the darkness. Only once it is brought into the light will you have the ability to overcome it.
I know for a fact that I never would have tried alcohol or drugs if I knew where they would have led me. I never in a million years would have predicted that substance abuse and risk-taking obsessions would have led me down such a life-draining path of destruction. I thought I was in control at all times. I was wrong. I made horrible decisions and said horrible things to good people. I should pay the consequences of my actions by living in shame and sorrow for the rest of my life. But, Jesus paid my consequences for me and gave me a new and clean heart.
I learned the following lessons as I took steps to break free from my addiction. To simplify what I learned, I broke it up into four steps. The first important step is repentance. It sounds like a religious word, but really it means exposing your true and impure self to God. It is telling the truth of your heart to God saying, "these things I have been pursuing to fill me, have never satisfied me." No more covering it up or hiding; no more lies. Repentance is vulnerably displaying and admitting your rebellion against God and recognizing Him as the only one who can rescue you from your destructive self.
1) Repent
1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive is and to cleanse us from every wrong." The biggest mistake is to hide your mistakes from God. He wants to hear from you. Run to Him when you slip because He is on your side. He loves you!
2) Ask God for Help
2 Corinthians 12:9 God tells us "My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Think about that for a minute: God's strength is made perfect in weakness. When we admit and let go of our weakness, that's when God's strength comes through. You can count on God to be strong for you.
3) Make a Decision
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD in all you do. Do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do and He will direct your paths." Every day we make hundreds of decisions. Will I have salad or fries? Will I tell her she dropped that five-dollar bill? Will I cheat on that test or that game of golf? Human nature causes us to usually choose the wrong thing because it is easier to give in to temptation than to say "no." But, if you allow God to take the reins you will not have to fight by yourself. Start reading the Bible to know what is right or wrong.
4) Talk to Someone
James 5:16 "Confess your faults to one another that you may be healed." In order to stop the endless cycle you must find someone to confess your habits and addictions to. Once it is out in the open, then you will begin to heal that area of your life. Make sure you find someone you can trust! You don't need your mistakes broadcasted all over the place. Go to a close friend that you know who loves and follows Jesus, talk to your minister, youth pastor, parents or school counselor. Or email us -- we have a team of trained mentors waiting to respond to your emails.
My life is completely different now that I have a close relationship with God. It is so amazing to wake up each day and not feel burdened by guilt and shame. I am never alone or afraid. I know that I don’t need to strive for perfection because in God's eyes I am perfect just as I am. Finally, in my life I am experiencing peace and joy, feelings I never thought truly existed! I am no longer shrouded by lies and can stand tall to be proud of the woman God has made me to be. In times of doubt and trouble I always remember that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). God has freed me from my addictions and that same freedom is there for anyone who goes to Him for it.
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